I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
