Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize