rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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