Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
