Me. At least after what I've been through.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
