as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
