Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize