Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this will be a night to untag.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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