The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
3pm strippers are depressing
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
