Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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