At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
