I can tuck mytits in my pants
my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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