can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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