Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
