Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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