who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
so much tequila, so little girl.
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