is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
