Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My dad is sitting where you rode me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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