Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
