you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
