The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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