I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
