You're my little dorito
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
