How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
