I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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