I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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