When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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