Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
