According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
