Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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