I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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