hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
