The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
