He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
