Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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