i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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