I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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