24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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