I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
