So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
