Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
