I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
