I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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