fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
