Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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