Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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