Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
