Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
