I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
