Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
