I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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