So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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