11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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