Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
