we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
