I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
