If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
