I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
