If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
