I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
