During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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