also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
BRING THE BAGELS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize